More a question than a comment: if you think it's all only decline now and were really done with life, why are you still here? If you were truly done all the way through, I'm sure you would have long done away with life without even questioning it. But you haven't and are still here. Great! I think this fact means something: there is still something holding you here, no matter how seemingly small and trivial. And somehow I get the feeling the secret is actually somewhere in there, whatever it may be. And so maybe it's not really that small and trivial.

p.s. I've been running in circles like this myself for decades..